Thursday, October 15, 2015

All the Things I've Learned After a Year of Marriage

So I've been married for, like, a year. Impressed? You should be.

But there are things you learn about marriage after you get married. You can't learn everything beforehand. Not even with Marriage Counseling. So here are some of the things I've learned.

You Have to Make Sacrifices

I did know this beforehand, and I even knew that the squirrel I ritually slaughtered on the stone table was not going to be ENOUGH of a sacrifice. What I didn't realize was that I would have to give up my quest for immortality and immeasurable wealth. Maybe I should have. What wife wants to live in an apartment filled with beakers, boiling test tubes, the smell of sulphurous fumes, inhuman wailing, and occasional tesseracts and portals to other dimensions? Not my wife, it turns out.

It's okay, though. Watching Netflix of an evening is nearly as fulfilling as discovering the mysteries of the universe.

I DON'T mean "Netflix and chill," though, because...

When You Get Married You Stop Having Sex

If you're an old-fashioned, out-of-date, religious fuddy-duddy, you don't have sex BEFORE marriage, either. Basically nobody religious ever has sex.

You need that purification though, because...

The Beings of Light are Jerks

Everyone knows that a large part of Marriage Counseling involves preparation to meet the non-physical entities that only married people are able to meet. But did you know that they are gigantic jerks? They don't clean, the drink all your beer, they leave giant clots of pulsing hair in the drain of your shower. They ate our dog. We don't really talk to them at all, anymore.

It's okay though, because of the last thing I've learned about being married...

Married People are Better Than All Other People

When you're married, your DNA actually changes at a substructural level, and it becomes BETTER DNA. So, like, I'm not even bragging when I say, married people are just inherently better than the rest of you. Sorry. But it's true.