Friday, April 08, 2011

Things To Do

...If You're in a Celtic Song

1. DO NOT let your lover get anywhere near the ocean.
2. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, go anywhere or do anything on All Hallow's Eve.
3. If you are in love, do not get anywhere near weapons, wars, or wild animals.
4. If it speaks English, run away.
5. If you have done anything like plighted your troth with your true love, it's probably best to hide under a rock or in a cave for at least 7 years.
6. Ships. Just burn 'em all.
7. If you are in love with someone, but there's some sort of cultural
taboo or political reason why it might not be wise for the two of you
to be together... go spend some time with them anyway; one of you is
about to die, regardless.
8. If funny things are happening at your expense, for the love of
everything, stay sober. Drinking will only make things more hilarious.
9. If children are involved in any way, you're going to need some kleenex.
10. If you're a lass and have overly protective male family members, have your ticket, yourself, and your love on board a something headed for somewhere else far, far, away before you let the relatives know about your relationship. Best to send the announcement by a letter without return address after the nuptials and the first few children, if at all.
11. If it's named Charlie and wears blue, invite it, feed it, and fight for it, and (lasses) marry no man who won't.
12. If you're a lady, remember that the lads are more fragile than they will be in a few hundred years. If you refuse them, they'll simply lay down and die.
13. Be sad, be very, very sad.... Then either die dramatically or make the best of it and move on.
14. If you've got to kill, it's got to be complicated and unexpected. The details of the dispatching must take up at least a whole verse.
15. Be beautiful - all the ladies who make it into the songs are. Probably that forced anorexia; appreciate the hunger.
16. Don't use metaphors involving wilds horses. They always come back to bite you. (The metaphors, that is, not the horses.)
17. If you have anything to live for AT ALL, do not get involved in revolutions. Conversely, if you have nothing left to live for, revolutions should probably be your first destination.
18. If you're a woman, always be prepared to waste away in the woods. All the best tragic heroines do it.
19. If you're a man, DO NOT get into a fight with ANYTHING EVER, no matter how sure you are that you can win.
20. If there's only one way in which you can die, DON'T make it mad.

[Credits: 7-9, Nat; 10-15, TruthQuestioner; 20, Mental Llama; the rest, me. This list is under construction; additions are welcome.]